May 4, 2007, 10:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


It seems like my life is full of both waiting and indecision at the moment.
My studio is piles of things to be finished, hoodies (12 of them!) waiting for appliques, buttons and labels, cut out pattern pieces for another project and boxes and boxes of ‘to do something with’ items.
My dining room has a huge basket of washing to be folded, piles of frames on the table waiting for photos, piles of toys and books waiting to be put away and schoolwork waiting to be done.
The rest of the house has plants waiting to go into the garden, piles of washing ready to be washed (I was going to photograph that, but the internet really didn’t need to see my knickers!), and mountains of clothes to be put away. But alas, the motivation is low in my house this week. I’m not sleeping well, Aesop has a cold and we’re just not getting things done.
Aesop is going through a phase at the moment where he just can’t decide what he wants. He’ll ask for something and then yell and cry that he doesn’t want it when I get it for him, and then once I’ve taken it away again he’ll yell and cry to have it back. And then it repeats. Over and over and over.
And while my first instinct is to bang my head against a wall, I try to make him feel better, and then I try to distract him out of it, because you know what? I feel a little bit the same at the moment.
I can’t decide anything right now. I don’t know what sort of relationship I want, I don’t know what I want to do with toast, I don’t know what I want to make, I can’t decide quite what’s wrong with me healthwise, and I just don’t really know what’s going on at all.
I’m thinking I’m going to have some counseling to help me work out quite what I’m looking for. I realise ‘you don’t usually know what you’re looking for until you find it’ but surely most people know which direction they’re going to head in to search? And surely when something great is knocking at their door they don’t have a huge raging battle going on in their head of whether they deserve it, or whether it is in fact what they want at all? Or do they? Perhaps other people aren’t as onto it and sorted as they seem.
All I do know right now is that I like my house. I like living in it alone. I like sewing, and it’s what I want to do. I like not having TV anymore. I’d like to cut down my internet time somehow. I need to lose 7 kilos, and start walking again. Abraham is my best friend and I don’t want to lose him. I need to make some other friends in Whakatane. And I don’t want to study again next year.
There’s still a lot left to figure out, I just wish there wasn’t so much pressure to hurry up and find the answers.


12 Comments so far
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One thing that it’s taken me a very long time to understand is that most people aren’t as onto it and sorted as they seem. People can be very good at putting on a brave or happy or confident front. It’s amazing how together a lot of people appear on the surface when on the inside they are sad or scared or affected by any host of things. Most people simply don’t talk about it but it’s amazing how many people say “oh I feel like that too” once you speak from the heart about it. As for knowing what direction you want… I think that’s a question that stays with you for life in varying degrees – for me, the goal posts keep changing and what I wanted last year / last week might not be the same as what I want now because life evolves and changes. God, I sound like I think I know what I’m on about… fat chance! Something someone said to me was “remember to be kind to yourself” and I think that’s good advice.

Comment by jillian

Hi Rhiannon! Wow, wise words from Jillian and I agree with what she said about “goal posts keep changing”. My mum always says “don’t have any regrets, do what is right at the time”. I don’t know what I want to do either but I expect that I will try lots of things and one day might stumble on something that really excites me. I think you have incredible talent in the design/sewing area and as it seems to give you so much pleasure I think you’re onto a winner! Miss M has recently been through the “I want that, no I don’t want that” phase. Luckily for me its over now (now we’re onto “B doesn’t want to play with that” when what she really means is “I don’t want B to play with that”!) Hang in there, it’s just one of the many annoying phases!

Comment by Kirsty

People who know exactly what they want in every area of their lives, and then go for it, and get it, and live happily every after: they are the weird ones. Definitely. It’s not always so easy to remember that, though, when you’re in the middle of something difficult.. 🙂

Comment by alice

My tip? Well a couple actually -finish one very small thing, promise your self a rest afterwards. Not being supercilious because I go there too, and this, once you discover it, always works. Just tried this out on a friend recently and she came right out of it. Or do nothing (and stop thinking about it all) – when you stop you can “hear yourself” and the thing to do next will be apparent. It might even be to go out and have an hour/afternoon/day off. Do the thing you want to do most. When you look at the whole picture it can seem overwhelming, but really it’s made of lots of little pieces. One by one you’ll get them done and decide if the one’s you aren’t doing are worth finishing or not. Patchwork is a great teacher, it’s exactly about this, just doing the bit you are on! Also flower essences – they are great and cheap(er than therapy – most of which is other peoples opinions) and restore you to your natural self. I think Bush Essences do some great ones yourside of the Earth. I enjoy reading your blog. Best wishes!

Comment by caireen

I feel like this sometimes, hang in there and enjoy the little pleasures. Sometimes it only takes a few days for all the little stuff to add up and life doesn’t seem as complicated. I bet Aesop is sensing some of your distress, they are like little sponges. Do something nice for yourself, then do something nice for Aesop and Abraham because you doing nice for them will also probably feel good. Let the other stuff just keep waiting if you need to. hugs–kara.

Comment by Kara West

sounds like itll all keep you busy for quite a while
hope Aesop gets better soon
Daniel is a bit like Aesop I hand him what he wants (usually food) and say “thats it, its either that or nothing. Its on the table” then I put the item of food on the table and leave it up to him. Do you know what 9 times out of 10 Daniel will have it then rest of the time he just leaves it. I ignore tantrums

Counseling is good. Ive had several sessins over the years. Im praying it will help you

Comment by jen

i will think some lovely thoughts of nice things for you tonight, as you are so nice.

Comment by tash at poppyseeds

take care, rhiannon, thinking of you!
m xx

Comment by melissa

lots of love to you dear one.

I don’t think most people know what direction they’re going in, more fallng into things sideways and muddling along. I am still the directionless wanderer and dreamer, filling in time until…well, I really don’t know.

You should feel proud of the fact that you do have goals and ‘know’ some of the good things you want for your life

I think you’re wicked awesome 😉

Comment by rachael

sending you lots and lots of love dear… empathizing with the difficulty of figuring out a path! i have had many moments like this too, wondering which direction to take. it’s a bit overwhelming. i think the counseling is a great idea… i love the idea of counseling in general; i’ve never known anyone who hasn’t benefitted from it. having an impartial person (as opposed to friends :)) just listen to you and recognize patterns, etc. in your action and speech is so so good. things *will* sort themselves out…

Comment by amisha

everyone has pretty much said it.
much love to you as you work through these things.


Comment by kimberle and Lies

those hoodies look great so far, can’t wait to see them when they’re finished.

Comment by Kates

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